Know Thyself, Love Thyself: A Love Letter (2024)

February may always be dubbed the month of love, with particular emphasis on romantic love and intimacy. Your relationship with yourself, however, should also take some of this focus, especially since this relationship can impact the connections you have with others. The healthier your self-relationship, the healthier the relationships with those around you.

The way you think of yourself—your self-concept—evolves over time. It begins to form in early childhood as your relationships with early attachment figures and experiences reflect back to you who you are. This can happen either verbally, with praise, descriptors, and encouragement, or non-verbally, through mirroring of emotions, experiencing comfort, and feeling acceptance and belonging. These experiences transform into real ways of thinking and feeling about yourself, which may even contribute to seeking out additional experiences that confirm your self-concept.

While your self-concept naturally develops as a result of external forces, it can and should also intentionally develop with your awareness and goals in mind. You can empower yourself to become the person who feels most authentic to your values and lead with priorities and alignment. It’s possible that you’re already on your way to becoming that person. First comes knowledge, then comes love.

Know Thyself

Start with an exercise in self-concept. Self-concept includes three components: self-image, self-worth, and ideal self (Rogers, 1959). On a blank piece of paper, address each of these domains:

• Self-image describes the view you have of yourself. Write down how you think about yourself, how you talk to yourself in your own mind, and your impressions of yourself. This may be difficult to do, but it will be a great start.
• Continue on to address your self-worth, the value you have in yourself. Consider how much you like yourself, describe the worth you have to others and in the world, and what you have to offer.
• Lastly, describe your ideal self, the self you really wish you were. What qualities do you wish to have? What relationship would you like with yourself?

Take a breath and put this exercise away until the next day. With a clear head, re-read what you wrote and take note of how you feel about it. Is it rather positive, negative, or a mix of both? How much of a gap is there between your self-image and your ideal self? In what ways can you offer yourself more compassion and grace?

This exercise is the beginning of self-exploration and self-awareness. In knowing yourself, and understanding how you are a whole person, you can begin to practice self-acceptance, self-respect, and, naturally, self-love.

Love Thyself

Loving yourself can naturally follow knowing, understanding, and accepting yourself. This practice can be reparative and healing. It reinforces the self-worth you’ve acknowledged and encourages the steps toward a strengthened self-concept.

Think of this as a process rather than a goal to be accomplished. Just as relationships with others look different, your self-relationship will, as well. It can change over time to reflect your evolving attitudes and priorities. To love yourself is a cognitive, emotional, and behavioral practice.

Cognitively:

• Recognize that this can be a difficult task given previous experiences of being loved
• Set intentions for the day
• Think kindly of yourself and emphasize your strengths and resilience
• In your mind, talk compassionately toward yourself and challenge automatic self-criticism
• Prioritize your opinions of yourself and your journey, rather than the opinions of others
• Consider perspectives that are inclusive and balanced
• Catch yourself as you make comparisons to others

Emotionally:

• Reflect on your values, priorities, and needs, and whether you feel they are aligned
• Forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made and find meaning in them instead of punishing yourself
• Practice gratitude throughout the day for yourself, your community, and your strengths
• Practice acceptance for who you are now and embrace the changes you’d like to see in yourself
• Nurture positive feelings as they come up by labeling them and engaging in a curious stance
• Learn and engage with emotion regulation techniques, including tolerating uncomfortable feelings

Behaviorally:

• Make decisions that are grounded in the values of your ideal self
• Surround yourself with people who help you feel like yourself and promote positive feelings
• Implement and maintain boundaries that are liberating and encouraging
• Engage in acts of kindness toward others to promote positive mood
• Take care of your physical body by engaging in mindful movement, self-care, and rest and avoid thinking of your body with criticism and judgment
• Express yourself through art
• Experience adventure and challenges that expand your views of yourself, others, and the world

Your self-relationship is one that benefits from consistent attention and effort. And you alone can define what progress means to you. Consider repeating the self-concept exercise and note the changes you make toward your ideal self. Perhaps the vision of your ideal self changes as you engage in regular self-love, or that, regardless of your self-image and the alignment with the ideal self, your self-worth has significantly improved. Be sure to note how engaging also changes as a result of an improved relationship with self.

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